USED

It was unexpected, but expected. Being used by people, that happen. Getting used by someone you respect; that’s harsh. A reality to faced, it is no more ours; maybe. Sharing happiness together, as well as sorrow.

Happiness ✔

Sorrow ❌

It’s time like this, I wish that we’re still at Kelana Jaya, so that we can comfort each other. Bad things always come at the most ‘wrong’ time, which is why it’s negative. Harsh truth, but we got to chin up and face the world. Others may not see it, but I do. I can see it, I feel it, I experience it; the hard work.

Staying strong together is the only thing we can do now, as well as living our lives; going with the flow. Only we can understand each others’ pain. Although hopefully, it can be lessen by others.

It’s a part of growing up. Ups and downs. It’s shaping us; we’re being shaped into a better person. We did our best and none of us know that it’ll end this way, maybe.

Let’s slay it and strike for better stuffs, uolls~

Tata~

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SCOLDED

They were mad, freaking mad at me; Nana and Nody. Hell, Nana wants to kill me the next time we see each other. So why are they trying to kill me? Well…

As you all know, my life was a bit hectic for the past few months and I was a softie, unlike my usual old self. Nody didn’t say it straight to my ace, only Nana did, for now; but according to Nana, Nody was furious. The both of them are nonchalant type of  people. They don’t care about how others are, but the fact that Nana screamed into my ear about my health, both mentally and physically; I know that I’m screwed.

You worried about others too much!

You don’t care about yourself!

Stop pushing yourself to the limit will you!

When Nana called me, Kink and Pres was near. I even asked them to confirm it to her that I love going to the doctor. She ‘ugut’ me, saying that she will call my mom if this keep on going. She kept shutting my mouth and kept ‘membebel’ until my ear bled.

Although, I wasn’t mad. I actually feel sad. Those two, especially Nana, don’t really care much, but the fact that she reached her limit and blew up… Yeah… I think I should slow down. No, I will slow down. This happened, that happened. Not only those two, my other friends are annoyed/worried at me. Even the I-do-not-care-about-the-world Syamiel was pissed at me. Pen was annoyed, his girfriend whom I just met and see only once was worried about me. Ardella is of course, being Cici, was acting cool about it, but I know that she’s hurting to see me like this.

I don’t feel tired, no, I feel tired, but it’s bearable. Though according to people around me, I should stop. Obviously, I can,t stop, though I’ll try to lessen my bussyness. C’mon guys, you know how I am. I’ll also be the old cruel Allya back. The kind of person who orders people around, being bossy and all.

I guess I was being selfish. I kept telling myself to be strong for others, but in the end, I ended up worrying them. I’ll be stronger and I will lean on people more now. Love yaaa~

Tata~

Ponderin’ on Life

Written on 11 May, 2017 at 0109h.

Hi hi~

Sooooooooooooo… I’m officially 19 today!!! Horraaaaaayyy!!! Hiks TT^TT It’s my second year celebrating my birthday far from my parents. Last year, I celebrated it in Indonesia with my grandparents and uncles and aunties and cousins from my mom’s side of the family and today I celebrate it by using McD’s Wi-Fi for free while watching extreme cheapskate with Kink while waiting for Farrel to come back home… My birthday is getting weirder and weirder by the year xD

I didn’t realize that today is my birthday until Kink suddenly wished me. My eyes were teary. Life was hectic that I don’t even remember my own birthday. He was excited, knowing he’s the first person to wish me.

Next was Farrel. She’s attending this fashion show somewhere and snuck out to wish me. Hiks! Sis terharu sangat! In the middle of that busyness, she was able to call me and wish me.

While waiting for Amyr and Farrel to come to McD (Amyr is waiting for Farrel at Sofo because she’s coming home soon), I received a message from Daryl. He wished me too. My first though was, damn its long, then I read it. Teary eyes again!!! Oddly, his messages always lift up my moods and energy. Boek bro!

Now, while writing this post, I’m waiting for Amyr and Farrel. I’m looking for a freaking plug because my laptop is dying soon. Aaah… I can see those two creatures walking towards McD, slowly like sloths.

This year may be crazy, those three are killing me, but the fact that they’re the first three to wish me made my day.

Love you three!!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Today, it also makes me wonder on what I’ve been doing in life.

Have I been in a good person for the past 19 years?

Was I a good daughter, a good friend?

What mistakes have I done?

Was I cruel?

Did I forgive everyone?

The list is endless, but alhamdulillah, I know the answer to all of those questions. I may not be a good person nor a kind one, but I do know that I’m surrounded with them. I have my families, my friends, my teachers, people around me are amazing. I will not be the person who I am today without them.

They’ve shaped me. The good experience gave me happiness and the bad ones are life lessons.

The big 20 are closer than the adorable 10. I am not the only one who’s growing; my parents are getting older as well. I’m pretty sure that I’m not the best daughter people can have, but the loves that my parents give are endless. I used to hate their scolding. Like, why do you have to scold me? As I grew up, I finally found out why those scolding are important. Without them, I would have gone astray and will probably a spoiled little princess. Scolding is one of a way for our parents to show their loves. They want their children to be grow up decently, that’s why steps need to be taken.

This year, although it has only been half a year, I learnt a lot of things. It changed me. True, not all of them were happy moments, but it makes me more mature.

I hope that I can be a better person, for my parents, my family, my friends and also the society. Aamiin.

Enough with this, I have to ‘layan’ Amyr and Farrel now.

Tata~

IMG_6966
My view for the whole night. Why are you glaring at me, Kink?!

 

She’s coming back

She’s coming back

She, who I am scared of

She who can ruin

She who can shake

She who will change me.

Who is this ‘she’ that I’m scared of? I’m not really scared of her, but whatever.

She is me, as in the old Allya. The Allya that my school friends knew about and the Allya that my univ. friends will definitely hate; some of them. She was asleep for more than a year and somehow, she’s waking up from her deep slumber. The reason? My busy and hectic life.

She’s giving me signs. My icy glares are back. My unfiltered mouth replaced my ever-so-polite one. The I-don’t-give-a-damn-about-people’s-feeling-when-doing-work is showing. My strength. That bored stare = meanest bitch face ever. Basically, Cruella de Allya is back and there’s no way of stopping her.

For the past one years-ish, I was a calm person.

  • You didn’t do your work? Fine, I forgive you.
  • You’re my friend, so yeah; I will be lenient to you.
  • Ouh, you don’t have enough time to do your report? It’s okay, I’ll extend the deadline.

All of those are bullshit! My school friends will puke if they see that side of me. I mean c’mon, they’ve been with me for a decade long and all they’ve seen is Cruella de Allya; only when it comes to serious matters.

  • You didn’t do your work? F-off, get loss!
  • So what if you’re my friend? Work is work and friend is friend. Separate your work and private life, please.
  • You little piece of ****! What do you mean by, “I don’t have time to do the report?” You think I’m not busy? Heck! I’m juggling three events in one time and you can’t even write one report for one freaking event?!

I don’t know why Allya The Witch suddenly disappeared. She just fades away, until a few days ago… Amyr, Farrel, Daryl and I were having a meeting about the charity run.

Daryl made a joke, I freaking glared at him.

Amyr was being sappy and I told him whatever was going through my mind without filtering them.

For Farrel, she has seen Cruella de Allya a few times and she is cool with it because she knows how to separate professional life and private life. That’s what I love about her, though the two guys were probably quite shocked xD

I’m known to be a proper lady, hate cursing and all. I mean, I am a proper lady, but lately, I’m becoming a sailor. Especially the cursing part.

I stated earlier that most of my univ. friends are second-born or are the last child. These kind of people (some of them) can’t stand me, due to my strictness. Here’s the thing, I’m the freaking VP and I don’t mind listening to your advice as a friend, but when I’m in work-mode, only the president is allowed to tell me what to do. I have my own way of doing things, if you don’t like how I do things, then fine, shoot away. There are more than 200 students under me, so you can’t expect me to be in favor with everyone. I’ve tried that before and it stressed me out; hated it.

I know it sounds cruel. A good leader is someone who can be in favor of his subordinates. Someone understanding who tried his best to help his underlings. Nevertheless, do remember, there’s a limit to what you can say to your leader. You must know when to not interfere with the leader’s duties and what not. A leader is a leader for a reason. Most of the time that person knows the consequences of his actions. He knows that he will be hated, but he must live with it because it comes in the package of being a leader.

Again, I’m not saying that I’m a good leader; I’m listed in the hated leader category. Even though a person may seems like he’s not doing any job, do remember, he is shouldering the burden of everyone else. He is carrying his problems as well as his underlings’. Sometimes, someone acts cruelly because they want the people around them to be a better person; a human being better than them. That’s why, don’t judge a book by its cover, because you never know how big of a problem a smile can hide.

Yeah, I think Allya the She-devil is coming out again because she had enough observing from the shadow. Although, do not worry, no matter how cruel Allya is; her politeness stays as long as you respect her. If you treat her rudely, you’re doomed. Once, twice, it is fine, but if you keep bitching every single time I see you; I am going to screw you.

This post is not for anyone in particular. I just want to let it all out before proceeding to the next semester and to tell the world that ‘she’ is coming back, so beware. Please don’t take it to heart, because this is nothing compare to what I’ll do. Toodles~

Tata~

 

A part of growing up

Hi hi

So its study week and a lot of things happened.

I’m known to be a ‘mulut tempayan’ kinda person. Well used to be. Past tense. The older I grow, the less I talk. I talk only when needed, not caring much about people’s life. But like they say, the past can still haunts you.

Aiiiih, this mouth of mine *slapping my mouth*

The thing is, I did lots of mistakes in my life. Done this, done that. I was the worse b*tch you could ever meet, your worse nightmare. Though, like I said earlier, I’ve change for the better. Even with the past still haunting me, I’ve find ways to fix them.

Those pasts are haunting us because we haven’t fixed them. Once they’re fixed, you’ll be as free as a bird in the sky, flying.

The fixing part though; why didn’t a lot of people do it? Because it’s scary to take the first step. Once you’ve done it, it’ll be easier afterwards. I was scared, I didn’t want to acknowledge my mistakes. Ego so high, as tall as Mount Everest.

One day, after performing salat, it struck me.

Why do you keep ignoring your past?

Why can’t you just let it go?

Why do feel insecure everyday?

WHY? WHY? WHY?

An endless ‘why’ went through my mind and somewhere inside my heart, I know the answers to those whys.

I met a new-adult(?) a few weeks ago. He made me realize that I’m still too childish (though for my age, I’m quite mature) and taught me things that I never thought I needed to know. His words linger in my mind for weeks, until yesterday.

I did what I should’ve have done a long time ago. I lower down my ego and brace myself up for the worst. Little did I know that it’ll all went well. Well, my part is over, I don’t know about the others. I said what’s in my mind but with grace and politeness; not the overly-emotional-teenage-girl kind of way.

I haven’t done everything, but I’m planning on doing so after this. So that my past will stop haunting me. After doing all of those things, I feel more mature. Not only I’m at ease; I’m starting to see everything in a brand new light.

1 point for the more mature Allya and nada for the not so mature Allya.

I hope that this will make me a better person. People can’t change drastically, but hey, we can still change.

Look at me! From a rude mouthed b*tch who cares about no one, I’m now a pleasant person who thinks about others more than before.

Step by step. It’s a part of growing up. Don’t just grow in size, do grow in other ways as well.

With this, I hope that people will try to change for the better. It’s not the amount of changes we did that matters; it’s the efforts that we took.

‘till then,

Tata~